I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'
I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them.
I like to talk about lint and coasters, the expansion of the universe and maybe McDonald's. I'm completely turned off by the idea of politics.
I paint; I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy.
People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do.