Fred Allen Quotes

My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.

Life, in my estimation, is a biological misadventure that we terminate on the shoulders of six strange men whose only objective is to make a hole in one with you.

Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.

The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand.

California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there.

Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs.

I play a musical instrument a little, but only for my own amazement.

The first time I sang in the church choir two hundred people changed their religion.

I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.

We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion.

A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.

The advertising world had space men in it before spacemen existed.