Henny Youngman Quotes

Quote

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad but New York City?

Henny Youngman in Time, City, New York

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My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad but New York City?

Henny Youngman

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

Henny Youngman

I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.

Henny Youngman

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

Henny Youngman

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

Henny Youngman

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

Henny Youngman

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

Henny Youngman

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

Henny Youngman

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

Henny Youngman

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

Henny Youngman

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.

Henny Youngman

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

Henny Youngman

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.

Henny Youngman

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

Henny Youngman

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

Henny Youngman